I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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