Kiss
Puke
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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