I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
