We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
