Where did you get a picture of my penis
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
