my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
