Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
