He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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