Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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