im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The police scanner is talking about you again....
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
