and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
