I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
