can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
