Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
