Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
