alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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