Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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