My liver just broke up with me...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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