Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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