Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
