I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
