So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
