Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
