Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
