He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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