I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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