oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
