I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
