captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
