yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
