I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
