Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
barbara walters just said penis...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
