Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
