I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
