everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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