yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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