My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
