Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
