So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
