Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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