I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
