I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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