I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
