I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
