dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
