this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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