Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
