I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
