There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
