You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
