if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
