i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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